Part 2: My Failed Application for ANTM Cycle 20

Now, that the cycle’s contestants are about to be announced, I think it’s safe to say that I will not jinx my chances of being picked for America’s Next Top Model by posting this. This blog entry will document my journey in the ANTM application process so I suggest having tissues at the ready and playing this as you read:

To recap, the 20^th cycle of Top Model will feature both male and female contestants. Because I fit into one of these two categories, I decided to apply. Applicants must either attend an in-person casting or mail in their submission. I was in Armenia and sadly, could not make it to any of the castings, so I had to send mine in by mail. Once the application instructions were finally released, I had less than a month to submit everything. Because the Armenian postal service is a complete piece of shit, that meant I had about a week to accomplish everything on my side.

The application consisted of:

• responding to 56 billion short answer questions about myself (one of the questions asked for the name and contact info of my best friend, so feel free to speculate/catfight to the death over who I listed)
• proof of identification (shoutout to the UN Armenia for letting me copy my passport there without their permission)
• a three-minute video showing “my personality and best runway walk
• three photos

Most of these requirements are self-explanatory so I won’t bore you with the specifics. My self-confidence is not at the level where I am willing to post my personal video complete with runway walk. I’m sure that when I become famous, it will be leaked (most likely by me).

But! I am willing to humiliate myself by sharing the photos of myself that I submitted. Keep in mind that I was in Armenia while completing this process and therefore, had to be creative as to how I took these. I had only one friend in Armenia at this time and was not comfortable enough sharing my dream of becoming a top model with her to request her assistance in taking my pics.

The first photo had to be a headshot. Nothing spectacular.

Photo #2 was a full body shot (fully clothed). After redesigning my entire apartment and stacking multiple pieces of furniture to balance my camera upon, this is the best I could do.

As for #3… The application asked for a full body shot in my swimsuit. Well, my swimsuit be frumpy as hell so I could not include that. Therefore, I was resourceful and used my special underwear. Warning! there is a penis in this picture. I blurred it out here because I didn’t want to be the laughing stock of the universe, but rest assured, Tyra saw my banana. Maybe that’s why she didn’t call.

Not bad, I would say. Put a spray tan on that and I’m ready for pageant season. B-tee-dubs, I chose to just stand in front of a wall so that my beauty could speak for me. Momma don’t need no fancy props or poses.

The best part of this whole application was probably getting my photos printed in Armenia. Walking into a photo shop run by a little old lady, I hurriedly pointed out what I wanted her to do and took off. When I returned an hour lady, I think we both tried to avoid each other’s gaze. I was a little offended. I mean, she could have at least given me a compliment.

As a mentioned before, the Armenian post is ridiculously slow and unreliable. I had planned to use DHL or FedEx to be sure that my application would get there as soon as possible. But they were charging about $50 for my little old manila envelope. “No, thank you,” I said and paid the $2 airmail at the regular post office.

Did my application ever get all the way to California from Armenia? Maybe not. And if it did, nobody liked it enough to holler at me. But I couldn’t have missed this opportunity. Now, watching cycle 20, I’ll probably be super jealous of all the contestants with amazing bodies and sob stories. But I know that I’m somebody’s top model. Somebody…Somewhere. Anybody? Bueller???